hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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