i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
