I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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