I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
