You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
