Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
sarcasm needs its own font
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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