I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
