I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
