just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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