Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
