And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
