he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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