Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
