note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
