He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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