her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
