you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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