mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
