oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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