Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
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I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
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I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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