Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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