I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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