I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
