wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I wish there were birth control emojis
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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