I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
