the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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