Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
