My room smells like vodka and shame
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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