I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
