I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You were trust falling into bushes
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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