mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
