my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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