Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
