my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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