In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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