I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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