I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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