Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
