Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
