You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
