There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
