Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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