$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
