i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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