Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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