There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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