You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
