i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
