At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
