i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
