I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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