if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
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