If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
