i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
