i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
