Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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