I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
